The Ego Takes it Personally

I’ve long been very self-absorbed, it was my nature - all about me, me, me. Everyone and everything else after.


When reflecting on recent shifts, it’s evident that this attachment to myself - my personality, my feelings, my reputation, my needs, my self-worth - was a trap, and often perpetuated so much of my suffering.


And still does to a certain extent.


When holding onto this ‘sense of self’ so strongly, there is a need to defend them, anything anybody did I saw as a direct attack on me.


I can see that always taking things so personally kept me reactive, insecure and isolated from me everyone else. This is exactly what the ego thrives on - identity, the separation - this sense of significance, always needing validation and approval.


This ego aspect of us, when challenged or is criticised or ignored - feels it is being threatened and so needs to defend itself.


I know for me this led to overreacting, emotional reactivity - either lashing out or saying something regretful. And then holding onto resentment about the other person blaming them for making me feel this way.


Firstly, as a man - this is not cool, it’s the quickest way to lose respect. Secondly, it is reinforcing the illusion that we are all seperate - me vs everybody else.


This inner work - facing myself - is seeing that I am operating from my wounds, my childhood conditioning…my inner turmoil.


That I only see the world from this lens, through my personal experiences - I began to soften to the idea that we’re all doing the same.


We’re all carrying this heavy burden, this baggage of our past experiences, some are heavier than others…but so long as we’re carrying these heavy loads, we’re always looking for opportunities to unload them - normally on anybody one who has triggered some part of us that needs healing.


Take this approach towards yourself first, and then externally towards the other.


Observe > Instead of reacting
Question > Instead of assuming
Understand > Instead of blaming



Stepping out of this narrow ego hold, is to see that everybody is projecting themselves from what they are holding onto inside - knowingly or unknowingly.


It need not be a reflection on me - this is a liberating but dilligent practice. The ego is subtle and sneaky, it will flare up at the slightest opportunity.

I’m still very consumed with myself - it’s a work in progress. But actively working on not taking things so personally slowly dissolves the me vs. them mentality - guarded, defensive and on alert - narrow….


This brings down the walls of separation and in doing so connects me to others knowing we’re all walking the same path, all needing the lightness that comes with letting go, all needing the love to overcome our inner challenges.


We’re wired to detect threat and danger - but not everyone out there is an enemy.


Each is a fellow traveller on the journey…so the fight is not out there, it’s within.

Transformation (4 of 4)

Following on from the previous post - an interpretation of the cylce of change (Meditation > Contemplation > Integration > Transformation), this is a brief on the final of the 4 elements.



So here we are - transformation. In case you’ve not been following this mini-series they have been crystalised on my blog page.


As you take small steps & actions that align with who you want to become, there is evidence of this new person beginning to take root.


Ultimately, the brain needs this confirmation; the universe needs the concrete evidence, that you are who you say you are.


And you are what you do in any moment. Moment by moment. And this is why it is imperative to take these continuous steps, no matter how small, that are undeniable proof that you are this new version of yourself.


Feel into the energy of change that you are creating, the new dynamic - the dopamine release for doing the thing. Allow this to be the motivation to go again and again.


Remember - you are transforming, no matter how small it may seem, you are engaging in the process all the time - acknowledge the efforts and committment to the process.


Yes, the mind will come in and tell you’re not that, look around - the environment loks the same, your job or where you live etc.


And that’s okay - keep walking.


It’s important to not allow the external environment to put you off, this is about inner transformation - trust the external enviroment will mould around your new vibration gradually.


With each mini-transformation you complete - whether that’s the early morning routine, the exercise, less anger when driving, improved diet, finish a book - whatever, you are in renewal and are re-wiring the brain circuitry that has been running the show for so long.


Lean in towards expressing these new parts of yourself that are emerging and taking root - they require nurture in the form of reptition. Over and over again.


It’s not meant to be easy - otherwise everyone would do it. But it’s certainly possible.


”Transformation is not a destination; it is a journey of continuous growth & self-discovery” - Tony Robbins


I came aross this quote from the big man, and like most of his stuff - it resonates.


Transformation does not have to be some lofty far-away goal and actually when perceived in this way, often you’re defeated before even getting started.


And so seeing it as an ongoing journey of continuous growth and self-discovery, not only allows you to deeply engage in the process but also relinquishes that attacment to the results, the end goal….



But what is the end goal, if not a life lived well - which can only ever be achieved now.



Take a huge step towards your transformation by setting up a free call here - happy to answer any questions you might have and share anything that has supported me in my process.

Let’s walk together.x
Arjun

Integration (3 of 4)

Following on from the previous post - ‘a simple framework for transformation’:

Meditation > Contemplation > Integration > Transformation

This is a brief on the third element.


Integration is where transformation becomes real - it’s bridging the gap between insight and way of being.


From potential to realisation.


I remember spending so much time consuming books, podcasts and talks on meditation and the brain, neuroplasticity, spirituality & inner work, self-improvement etc. for so long…


I was gaining more knowledge on these topics, more self-awareness - I was sitting around in meditation, paying attention and noticing my patterns, contemplating what I was noticing - but it was without taking the neccessary actions to make them part of me.


All these things remained concepts & theories - lessons waiting to be truly learnt.


The crux of integration is action - internalizing new behaviors, beliefs, and ways of being by doing them - so they become second nature. It’s the same process that we unconsciously undertook to get to this point.


It’s about aligning your daily actions with your newfound wisdom, this vision for who you want to be.


Without integration, transformation remains incomplete—it’s like planting seeds but not nurturing the soil and tending to the environment - never letting them take root.


Very quickly the weeds grow back.

During this phase, I remember countless times during my relationship with my ex-wife (Yvette) of 7 years, that I’d slip back into old patterns - particualrly triggered by her disdain for the relationship I have with my mother.


My bro and me were raised by her as a single parent since 4 & 5 (so you can imagine the attachment issues) and the Indian mother is well known to be over-bearing and overly mothering.


Yvette is 13 years my senior, closer to my mum’s age than mine - they didn’t get on…


I couldn’t see how I’d slip into “mummy’s boy” when around my mum, or how she could take advantage of that in order to get a ‘psychological win’ over the wife.


It caused a fair bit of conflict with me and Yvette, and it was painful because I knew I was avoiding facing up to my mum…


It was only after taking the action of having very uncomfortable and difficult conversations with my mother that I began to shift this pattern.


As my own man, not just my mum’s son. Our relationship is much more healthy now since then.


Went off on a tangent…but my point is the reverting back to old patterns when challenged - the familiar behaviours and thoughts. So this piece on taking actions is vital - they are the validation and evidence of the new person I was becoming.


A few points on working thru integration - an on-going process because there is always new experiences for us to learn from and make part of a new way of being….

Embodied Practice: making it part of you, not just in the mind - but moving, speaking, responding differently.

You will be tested in real-life situations.

Emotional Processing: Old wounds and patterns will resurface as you shift. Instead of avoiding them, they’re an opportunity to meet them in a new way, with awareness and compassion.

They are signs that you are growing - you wouldn’t be bothered if they come up otherwise.

Repetition & Consistency: Neural pathways are rewired through repeated action. Instead of "trying" to be confident by thinking it—we live with the confidence that comes with taking aligned action, until it becomes second nature.


This path comes with challenges, it seems the Universe throws up tests to ensure we are who we say we are - the attachment to this old version of you, clinging to who you were, will be resistance who you’re becoming.


What I’m seeing is that it is safe to let go, to shed these layers I’d accumulated that don’t serve me any longer.


True integration requires the committment to letting go of the old identity to allwo the new to really solidify. This requires a full, whole-hearted YES.


Next up the final part in this series: transformation. The cherry on the cake.


Let’s walk together.x
Arjun

Contemplation (2 of 4)

Following on from the previous post - ‘a simple framework for transformation’:

Meditation > Contemplation > Integration > Transformation

This is a brief on the second element.


This quote may come across provacative to some and harsh to others:


The unexamined life is not worth living - Socrates


Perhaps an overused quote, but perhaps not something nowadays we really put into action, at least as much as it was in ancient times.

There is serious value in witnessing one’s own experience - I feel this strongly as it is my experience in the process of transformation.


Meditation for me has been the path to really become intimate with myself, get up and close to thoughts, feelings, emotions…to learn about what drives me - why I do what I do.


I’ve said before, it’s been vital in the process of behaviour change, but it’s only the first part of the process…


…what perhaps is even more important is self-inquiry, reflection and contemplation in order to really acknowledge the direct experience during meditation, then make sense of it and ultimately then integrate and apply this to daily life.

This logical and objective investigation after meditation or some trigger or experience which affects you, is an aid to spiritual wisdom - one cannot gain wisdom without inquiry - you have an experience, it impacts you in some way - chemically, emotionally, mentally…but without the reflection and contemplation it soon becomes a distant memory.


Below is a sequence you can try after your meditation or after you’ve been triggered and you notice an internal shift:

(best employed with compassion and curiousity not condemnation or judgment)


What was the direct experience:

What thoughts, feelings, emotions showed up, how did they feel in the body. What was your reactions to what happened? What actually happened, in detail.

What are your thoughts about what happened:

What did you notice about your reactivity…reflect what you noticed about yourself during the experience. Are there any repeating patterns?

How does this apply to my daily life:

In the context of what I’m working on…does this move me closer to my vision or further away. How can I take action on what I am learning?

Contemplation requires a cool light - objectivity and (eventually) a diffusion of emotion…but to be able sit with and truly gain insight…one must first go into the heat and intensity of painful memories, the regret, or guilt, sadness or shame…and burn a little.


And know that this is the purification…the only stuff that burns away is impure, what’s left is the gold of spirit and the light of wisdom.


This is inner alchemy - take the pain and the wounds and turn into wisdom and a new way of being.


To meet these things about ourselves if challenging - this is why it’s not common to engage in, but in the process of transformation, it’s imperative to be released from them in order to create anew.


I’ve noticed that through this patient, consistent and committed practice of self-inquiry a lot of the charged emotion associated with my memories and traumatic experiences…eventually became discharged of the emotion….and Joe Dispenza says that “memory without emotional charge becomes wisdom.”


So through self-inquiry, cool contemplation...your own experience is your teacher. You are your own guru.


And as we begin to become free of this heavy baggage, we not only lighter - physically, emotionally and mentally - but also are beginning to open up space to being implementing new patterns of thought and action to intgegrate.


Now with purposeful intention in the direction we want to travel.


Next up in this series: integration. Taking action on what you are beginning to see.


Let’s walk together.x
Arjun